Written the afternoon of January 9th, 1999...
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I just read over my last entry and am a bit surpised at how things happened so quickly. My boyfriend and I are no more. Too much arguing. Funny thing is I miss him a lot more now that he's out of my life. Several times I wanted it over, and now that it is, I'm not sure how to react.
That's okay, though... for now I'm fine with not reacting. Reacting is too much work and effort. For the most part when I'm not busy thinking of how much I miss him, I'm pretty numb to the world. I've just lost a lot of interest in daily activities. If this is depression, then it's the strangest one I've ever experienced. Normally when I get depressed I lock myself away from the world, sleep for 15 of my 24 hours, and eat "comfort food." It's pretty typical of females to behave that way they say. That's what I expected would happen. After all, I am pretty depressed about things as they stand. However, that's not happening. I'm not interested in sleep. In fact, for the most part I can't sleep nearly as much as I used to be able to. Currently I'm on break so I should be able to sleep all day without thinking about it. That isn't happening. I sleep for seven hours or less and then I'm up for lengthy amounts of time. In the last three days I've slept maybe 11 hours. Now this is odd because I'm trying to sleep and I can't. Don't get me wrong... I'm not staring out the window and crying late at night. I simply fall asleep and wake up too early. Then there's my comfort food. To be honest, I haven't been eating much at all lately, and it has nothing to do with a New Year's resolution. People mention food that normally would make me drool. I'm unresponsive. I suppose it has a good side. My clothes are getting pretty baggy. Do I care? Not really. I'm sure it will pass before I do any serious dropping of poundage. I just don't want to eat and have nothing here anyways and no desire to go out in the snow to buy food I really don't feel like eating. That's redundant, I know. The other weird thing is I'm not shutting myself off to the world... I go out more often now, actually. Sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. Normally I wouldn't go out so much on my own, but I am. In some respects, it's kind of nice. When I'm out for the most part I don't think about myself and my stupid problems. I have an agenda and I stick to it. I'd go out today if it weren't so cold. School starts in two days, and I'm unresponsive to that too. At first, I was dying for it to start back up again so I could lose myself in it. Now I just don't care. The part of me that actually worries about what happens today or tomorrow is lost for the time being. She'll find her way back eventually, I'm sure. |